Yesterday, I turned 32. I have never felt more young than I do now.
It used to be that I enjoyed being the younger one. Having a late birthday meant that I was often the smallest or youngest in my class at school. It feels egotistic and exaggerated, but it made me feel accomplished to have done more with my life in a shorter amount of time, and to be just as good (if not better) at things than others. I was probably thinking “look at me, I’m younger and smaller but I can still beat you.” I was competitive, strong, and fiery.
The “look at me” attitude propelled but did not sustain me into my teenage years. Along the way, I internalized messages that made me feel that I didn’t know anything. And so, I felt paralyzed but figured out how to make do. This is the story for many other days.
But today, my feeling of youth and smallness humbly reminds me that I have so much more to live and learn. It actually makes me feel strong again because I know that from here, I have every opportunity to dream and grow tall in life.
I am also so grateful. To counter all the moments of struggle in the past couple years of really wondering where the joy of life went and all the moments of struggle in my past seasons of feeling meaningless, I received the gift of gratitude yesterday in a way that wasn’t about trying to be thankful. I was just in awe of everything and everyone around me. I thought about how lucky I am to be surrounded by such beauty, love, and generosity. I felt undeserving but not guilty. I saw that there were good things all around. So good.
So on that note, I’m back to blogging :). I wish for this gift of joy to be the hallmark of my next year. The joy that comes from knowing how much I am loved. My prayer is to really come to understand that transformative power.
Oh! And in just about 3 short months, we will welcome another little boy to our clan. What an exciting year it will be!